Daycare providers, including assistants and husbands that work in the daycare home as well, can become very attached to children. They are caring for them in their home 5 days a week for upwards of 10 hours a day, this often leads them to form tight bonds. I know providers that are called grandma/grandpa or aunt/uncle by the children and families in their care and go on to have lifelong relationships with them. I’ve told parents that I’m jealous of parts of their child’s personality, like adventurous eaters or great nappers (neither of which my daughter was). That doesn’t necessarily mean they are too attached. However, if you are feeling uncomfortable then maybe find another provider.

As for your divorce, I’m sorry to hear that you are going through that. That is a hard situation for anyone to go through. Without knowing the full story or any of the conversation had I can’t tell what has happened or what is going on with the provider. What I gather from your post she was not behind the CPS report, so there shouldn’t be any reason to make her part of that. Generally, it is recommended that daycare providers do not become involved in divorce situations. The provider is there for the child as stable and neutral force in a time of stress for everyone, they are not there to take sides. Unless a provider is in your home to witness you or your spouse parenting, they only know what they see during that small time frame of drop off and pick up. Anything else a provider knows about what goes on in your home is generally information that has been shared with her from the other parent, this is all considered hearsay in court cases.

Personally, in my own program, when parents are going through a divorce I do not discuss conversations had with one parent with the other. This is actually very common amongst daycare providers, not because they have something to hide but because they often lead to misunderstandings and “he said, she said” situations. I also do not allow for disparaging remarks or venting from either parent about the other parent, so that both parents feel comfortable knowing they are in a neutral space. Conversations should be about the child’s day in daycare, not things going on outside of it.

Set up a time with her to discuss her policy on divorce situations, knowing where she stands and that she is committed to creating a neutral environment is important. If she refuses, then I would discuss with your soon to be ex-wife and find alternative care. However, I do not recommend showing up after hours or when your child is not present without arranging it first. This will only escalate things. That said, slamming the door in your face and screaming at you is not professional. The situation may have already moved to a point where you all need to go separate ways.

btw- the abuse is not by the dad, and the neglect was simply a false charge for the purpose of coercion into a totally unrelated and unnecessary situation.